The Bachelor Recap: A Virgin Went Camping, A Princess Went to the Ball, and Ashley S. Went...Somewhere
Welcome back, fellow Bachelor love/haters!
While we were off enjoying a day off in honor of Martin Luther King Jr., The Bachelor presented us with a completely freakin' amazing episode of television. There was pig wrestling, goat milking, passive aggressive hot tubbing, wedding crashing, and even a date to Costco (which we were actually weirdly jealous of). Chris even outdoor showered with Jimmy Kimmel. It was quite a good time.
Anyway, this week, some of the ladies got a date where they were going to do "what comes natural." The girls assumed that meant no makeup, which was quite pleasing to Kelsey since, according to her, she's already very natural. Apparently, "natural" actually just meant swimming in a lake and then camping near said lake, and apparently, Kelsey's not quite as natural as she seemed to think she was.
She declared this to be a "date made for bimbos" as one girl decided to jump into the lake without her bikini bottom, and nearly lost her mind when Chris announced they were spending the night at the lake. She went on and on about how this "dingy pond" was not enough of a lake for a Michigan girl and expressed interest in sticking a fork in her eye. She then got stung by a clearly intuitive bee. She put on a fake smile (which she claimed was making her face skinnier) for Chris, but when Chris wasn't there, she was an official Grumpy Gus.
"I wanna be where I wanna be and I don't wanna be here," she declared, and we're getting that tattooed on our wrist.
Meanwhile, Makenzie brought back the alien talk, and after a mysterious absence of crazy last week, Ashley S. came back in full force.
"What are you?" she asked Chris in a whisper as they sat alone together in the dark, "Well I know you're a Scorpio, but I don't really care about that. I don't care about that, right? Look at the moon! It's so weird to me. And we're sitting here, like that's weird to me."
She then told him that she loves him, and loves everything about him, and she hopes that resonates in his mind, or something.
Anyway, she didn't get the rose. Kaitlyn ended up getting the rose, which made Ashley I. quite unhappy. She decided to sneak into Chris' tent during the night to tell him that she's a virgin. Except she didn't. She alluded to it, and said a bunch of nonsense that the half-asleep Chris didn't comprehend at all. She walked away from their little chat feeling "progressive." He admitted he had no idea what had just happened. Ah, love.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, a kinda smart thing was happening: Chris' sisters sort of interviewed all of the girls in order to decide who would get the next one-on-one. It was possibly the most reasonable thing that has happened on this show so far. Jillian and her butt showed up late in a bikini, so she was definitely not the winner. That honor ended up going to Jade. We didn't know Jade's name until now, but that's nice for her.
The date was the stereotypical little girl's ultimate dream. It was princess themed, complete with sparkly ballgowns, a fairy godmother, and a midnight curfew. The other girls (especially Ashley I.) were hilariously mad, especially when they find out that Jade gets to keep her diamond earrings and glass slippers. If we were them, we would have gotten a little less mad when we discovered it was all a ruse to promote the upcoming Cinderella movie, but whatever.
Chris and Jade had a magical evening at their own private ball, during which they bonded over having both been engaged at one point, but that was boring compared to Ashley I. putting on a fancy dress and makeup just to eat some corn. Your time will come, girl. Unless it doesn't.
was time for a recreation of The One With All the Wedding Dresses as six
of the girls got to put on wedding dresses, except instead of drinking
on the couch, they were flown to San Francisco forced to complete an
obstacle course in some sort of cruel metaphor for marriage or
Jillian easily surpassed everyone and won a one-on-one with Chris. He placed her in his top three based on looks and cuteness towards the beginning of the date, but the longer the date went on, the further she slipped in that ranking as she rambled on about how she doesn't like planning, and her dad wasn't into sports, and something about Cleveland, and whether or not she had something in her teeth, and would you rather sleep with a homeless woman with a bird in her hair, or abstain from sex for five years?
"When Jillian's talking, I become very confused," Chris admitted, "Occasionally, as Jillian's words begin to flow over my head, I begin to think of unicorns and dancing fairies…Quite beautiful."
Poor crazy Jillian didn't get a rose and was sent home. We will so miss that black box that was forever covering her butt, until we completely forget Jillian existed by next week, which is likely.
Next up, it was time for Megan to blindfold Chris and make him identify fruit with only three of his five senses, or something. Then, Ashley I. went back to Chris to tell him about the virgin thing once more. This time, he was not asleep, and he finally understood.
"If anything, it makes me respect her more," Mr. Perfect Gentleman told the cameras, but Ashley ran off in tears since she didn't receive a kiss.
"If he doesn't give me a rose tonight, then I know he's not the one," she said, as if she understands the show or something.
Britt confronted Chris about his intentions, explaining that some of the other girls had been concerned after hearing that Kaitlyn got a rose after some ridiculous behavior on the camping trip. Chris got pretty upset, and made a little speech about how he's on a quest to find his wife that confused most of the girls. Britt then became quite concerned about whether or not she would get a rose, so Chris did the cruel thing of announcing her name last, right after he did the only slightly less cruel thing of announcing Ashley I.'s name second to last.
Ashley S.'s name finally didn't get announced at all, and she sauntered out, declaring that she felt nothing. "I am who I am," she said. Now that she's finally gone, we may actually miss her.
Juelia was also sent home without a rose, but Chris was beyond nice about it, explaining that after she told him about her past and her child, he didn't want to waste her time if he didn't love her as much as she deserved to be loved.
He's just a sensitive gentleman farmer on the hunt for his wife, y'all. Kissing all these women is hard on his heart of gold.
though, this episode was a total dud compared to last week and to the
promos for next week, which seems to involve sex and a medical
emergency, and we're only mildly embarrassed by the fact that we audibly
gasped at closed hotel room doors. We may never escape our full
emotional investment in this show, and we may never want to.